“In Flesh and Blood and Self-Hate” – Top 20 “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” Songs

On recommendation from two different friends, I recently sat down and watched the CW’s TV show, “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” and… let me say, it quickly became one of my all-time favorites. It’s basically everything you could want in a show – funny and dramatic with a cast of diverse, well-rounded characters who develop and change. Plus it’s a musical! I couldn’t recommend this show enough, but in lieu of an actual review, I decided I’d count down my top 20 favorite songs from the show. I thought it would be a fun way to talk about the show as a whole by focusing on arguably the best aspect of it – the music.

This was… a difficult list to say the least. There’s a lot of fantastic songs in the show, and I made some cuts from the list that honestly broke my heart. So I wanna do a quick shoutout to the songs that didn’t quite make the cut: I Have Friends, Research Me Obsessively, Ping Pong Girl, (big spoilers for the last two and nsfw language on the last one) Rebecca’s Resprise, and It Was a Shit Show. I also want to say that some of these songs will contain spoilers for the show. If you plan on watching the show, (which, oh my god, please do, it’s on Netflix, do it), I would advise overall to skip this post and just go watch it, since I can’t promise even the non-spoiler songs will stay clean when I get to talking about what makes them great. In addition, I’ll tag all nsfw content, including language and sexual content, you know, for the kiddies.

Without further ado, my personal Top 20 songs from “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”!

20. Where’s the Bathroom

I think one of the strongest aspects of this show is its characters. While there are a lot of characters with… ahem, flaws, every character in “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” is relatable and understandable. There are no true villains.

Still, “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” spends a lot of time hyping up Rebecca’s mom before we even see her, mainly through Rebecca’s own perspective. For a while, I expected her to be the villain. After all, before even offically meeting her, we learn she was a controlling, overbearing presence in Rebecca’s life, who accepted nothing less than perfection from her daughter. She’s a pretty negative force in the show, even before the audience meets her, so when the episode rolled around that introduced her it only made sense that she would have a spectacular entrance. And… yep, she did, with this boisterous, hilarious song.

I think Rebecca’s mom is one of the underrated characters of this show. While she never really gets a redemption for her role in Rebecca’s past trauma (nor, arguably, does she really deserve one), her role in Rebecca’s current life is fascinating. I think this song does a great job at reflecting her well-meaning but ultimately jarring and misguided attempts to help her daughter. It also works so well in this incredible episode, the one that establishes the rocky but ultimately positive present relationship between Rebecca and her mother.

This song is hilarious, introduces a really fascinating character incredibly well, and maintains that, I guess, Jewish flair that I’ve come to expect from Rebecca’s family whenever they’re involved in musical numbers? It’s all very charming.

19. Love Kernels

Warning: Kind of spoilery, very light sexual references

This video is kind of astounding in its quality. I mean, the video even jokes about how much production budget was spent on this one number… but holy crap is it ever worth it. This video is beautiful, and nails the genre it’s trying to parody. I love the mix of absurd and serious imagery in this video.

Speaking of that, though, I think one of the strengths of this show as a whole is its ability to seamlessly mix comedy and tragedy. It’s one of the greatest examples of dark comedy I think I’ve ever seen, and while I don’t think this song is the best example of this, it certainly could be categorized as such. Rebecca is so earnest in her joy over her relationship with Josh, and yet it’s clear to the audience that she knows deep down that he’s not as into the relationship as she is. And that’s… tragic. To think that Rebecca puts all the effort and optimism into it anyway, even knowing that it’s mostly not reciprocated… well, it makes this song hurt a bit.

This is not by any means the most tragic song of the bunch either, but enjoy the beautiful aesthetics and slight heart tug this song provides anyway. Also… the song is just great overall. It just sounds really polished and… yeah, this is a good song.

18. Math of Love Triangles

Warning: Slight sexual references, kind of spoilery

I think it’s a hard sell to say one particular song in this show is the funniest, but this song made me smile at so many points. It’s really layered, so I’m gonna go into it all briefly. On the top layer, they absolutely nail the parody, as usual, because Rebecca looks and sounds just like Marilyn. The video itself is such a specific visual but it works so well – the striking blue of the background and Rebecca’s dress plus the obviously nerdy garb of all of the background singers… visually, it’s unique and memorable.

On the second layer, we have Rebecca’s delusions. A lot of songs in “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” play with the idea that Rebecca is not always totally in touch with reality and this song is… overt. The whole humor of it is Rebecca is clearly not seeing the reality of the situation and is blinded by her excitement over her imagined “love triangle” with Greg and Josh. That’s symbolized by her exaggerated stupidity regarding triangles and her focus instead on making them into some sort of sexual symbol. It’s an odd metaphor, but it really works well in this context.

And finally, shimmering beneath the surface is that slight criticism of the idea that women are the most sexy when they’re dumb and naive. The baby voice, the obvious playing dumb, coupled with the really childish sexual language in this song makes fun of the idea that women are at their sexiest when they’re most childlike and innocent, and I’m super glad that’s being called out for how ridiculous it is.

Plus… puns. Gotta love those puns.

17. His Status is Preferred

Warning: Slight sexual references

I really love Paula, and I’m sad she didn’t get more songs that made this list, so I had to include my favorite of hers. Paula tends to go for the big showstoppers, but I love this one for her because it’s still got that showstopping quality but it’s paired with the smooth, jazzy instrumentals. Her vocals are gorgeous and I just love her.

The song is in reference to a one-off fling she has with a minor character, but I still think it has a lot to say about her character as a whole. It speaks to her boredom, and her longing for an adventure, for something more, something exciting, in her life. I think that longing is what makes her a lot more than a sidekick to Rebecca, and makes her a really relatable and wonderful character in her own right.

I don’t have much else to say about this song… it’s just good. It’s good and you should listen to it, and then watch the show. Watch the show.

16. Women Gotta Stick Together

Warning: Some swearing, sexual references

Ahh Valencia. How you play with the audience’s emotions. I know I said earlier that Rebecca’s mom is the first villain of the show if there is one, but Valencia also kind of is too. But also not? It’s pretty nuanced. While she’s clearly set up to be an antagonist of sorts – rival for Josh’s love for Rebecca, in the same vein, her first episode sets her up as a surprisingly sympathetic character.

It’s no secret that Valencia’s distrust of other women is based on her negative experience as a teenager with other girls tearing her down. Valencia has had no prior proof that other women will help her in any way, and that belief drives her negative behavior in the present.

So this song? It’s… well it’s kind of tragic, actually. You can read into it for it’s humor, and yeah, it’s funny, but it’s also really sad in a way? Even as she symbolically leads a crowd of women in song, it’s clear in the lyrics that Valencia doesn’t trust any of them. And considering how her character develops throughout the show, the show as a whole seems to take the stance that women are human – they aren’t saints, but they aren’t demons either. Valencia learns to overcome her mistrust and this song remains as a criticism of using either extreme as fact.

15. We’ll Never Have Problems Again

Warning: Spoilers

Remember what I said earlier about Rebecca’s delusions? Oh yeah, here we are again with the delusioniest of them all. Now, Josh is along for the ride! I think the disco genre is perfect for this song. It’s delightful and happy, yet the whole time you can tell that there’s anxiety beneath the surface.

That’s what I love about this show though. Nothing is just one thing… none of the songs exist only for the sake of songs. This song drives home Josh and Rebecca’s delusions and unhealthy belief that their relationship is invincible with every part of the video – the flashy set, the way too extra outfits, Rebecca’s really heavy makeup… it all comes together to tell the audience something about the characters and the situation.

Plus, it’s a catchy song. I keep saying that they nail the parody, but, I mean, they do here too. They always do.

ALSO that live fade out though.

14. I Gave You a UTI

Warning: Sexual references, like, a lot of them.

Okay so this song… this song is… okay, yeah, yeah I know. It’s gross. And it is the first Greg song on this list! Get ready to see a lot more of him in this list. I think this is kind of the wrong song to sing his praises, so I won’t since we’ll get to that, but… yeah I love Greg.

And this song had to grow on me a bit. It came across the first time as kind of just a funny, absurd song, and that it certainly is. It’s stupidly catchy too, and it’s really fun to see the normally cynical and sad Greg so happy and excitable. But there’s… a bit more to it than that.

First of all, I love Greg and his vocals and they’re on full display here. But I also think this song is characterizing. Like I’ve talked about with Rebecca a few times, there’s a note of delusion to this song. Even as Rebecca continuously lectures him on the fact that her UTI is nothing for him to be excited about, he’s excited anyway. That speaks to his insecurity – he wants some reason, any reason, to believe he’s in control and in power when in reality he’s always been the one chasing after Rebecca. Also, that toxic masculinity being pointed out and made absurd. Yep.

But… you know, all that being said, I’m happy to see him happy too. I wish I could say it was because of the deep metatext or the social commentary but gosh I just am glad to see that boy happy, dumb and slightly problematic as it may be, ha ha.

13. What’ll It Be

See, Greg can (and most often is) serious too. I sort of forgot all about this song when making this list initially, but I came across it again and it’s so earnest and beautiful I had to include it. Greg’s character is unique because – more or less – his arc is complete in the show as it is. He desperately wants to get out of West Covina, and he does. He escapes, and on top of that, is shown to be aware of and working on combatting his alcoholism.

Compared to all the rest of the characters of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” Greg seems to be the only one so far to actually address and really work to solve his problems. However, up until that point, he acted sort of as an audience stand-in. He’s cynical and aware of the absurdity of the situations presented in the show, yet he carries an admiration for Rebecca that even he admits is misguided. I think this song really shows that latent relatability to his character.

While I doubt most of us have been stuck slinging beers to “soccer MILFs” in a town near but not that near to the California coast, I’m sure all of us have had moments where we felt the world had failed us. I know personally I think all the time about how the world is a game that seemed constantly rigged against me, and this song perfectly reflects those frustrations and those longings to break free and find something more.

It’s beautiful, powerful, and sung by one of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s” best vocalists in my humble opinion. What more do you need?

12. JAP Battle

Warning: The video says explicit for a good reason, and also some sexual content.

I know I have a problem with admiring songs for my deep interpretations of their inner meaning, but I promise the top of this list has some just… purely fun songs here too. Like this one!

I really, really like Audra Levine. She doesn’t show up very often and gets more mentions than actual appearances, but she’s a really interesting foil to Rebecca in the fact that while Rebecca was off chasing her “California dream,” Audra lived the life that the audience could suspect Rebecca would have lived had she stayed in New York. And Audra is… well, certainly proud of that life, but the show seems to suggest that there’s something missing.

Sure, from a societal standard, Audra is more successful than Rebecca. She works for a more prestigious law firm, she’s engaged to another successful person, and she ultimately wins the court case in this episode. But it’s heavily suggested that Audra’s outward happiness does not equal inward fulfillment.

But all that aside – this rap battle is hilarious. It’s filled with clever wordplay, it’s engaging and exciting. I think if you want to jump into any of the songs without having seen the show first, this one is a good one.

(Also, mad shout-out to the West Covina crew behind Rebecca during this whole video. That one part that Josh scoots past on the rolling chair… and Daryl basically, like, the whole video. Just, Daryl.)

11. The Sexy Getting Ready Song

Warning: NSFW Language, some sexual content.

This song is one of the first in the entire show and it was this song that really convinced me on the show’s philosophy and format. I had never never seen the process of a woman getting ready depicted in such, honestly, gory realism. (Literally, in some cases). I mean, the backup dancers and Rebecca are shown dancing in spanx! Honest-to-god spanx. Have you ever seen spanx shown on mainstream television ever?

For real though, this song is hilarious. It’s so real, so relatable. It’s clear in this song – and, really, in the whole show – that the best and most realistic stories about women are written by women. Plus, they can be enjoyed by everyone, not just women.

Soapboxing aside, this song is catchy, smoothly written and has a great music video to match. (Especially the scene with Rebecca awkwardly dancing in her undergarments while the rapper freaks out about her getting-ready process.)

10. I Could If I Wanted To

Remember how I talked about how great Greg is? Well… a lot of what’s good about this song is due to what I’ve already said about Greg. His struggles to be something beyond a bartender in the town he grew up in conflict with his inherently lazy nature and his alcoholism, and this song addresses that conflict. It explains a lot of Greg’s mindset, and in an honestly super entertaining way.

I’m pretty sure I don’t have an actual name for the genre this song is parodying, and yet I enjoy this parody of that genre anyway. It’s honestly hilarious. My friends and I like to quote the part with the dad to each other all the time. Plus, that final comedic beat… “You’re an idiot.” This song doubles not only as a comedic part of an already hilarious show, it’s also a character study.

Works on multiple levels? Yep. Memorable and amusing? You bet’cha?

Clear bias for Greg? What-

9. We Tapped That Ass

Warning: NSFW language and sexual content (…obviously). Also, spoilers.

There’s a pure and simple reason why I enjoy this song, and there’s a deeper reason. I’m gonna start with the deeper one, just because.

As I’ve talked about a few times, one of my favorite parts of this show is the balance between dark drama and comedy. This song represents a really dark part of Rebecca’s life. It’s also right before she literally burns her apartment down. You couldn’t tell that just by listening to this song though – it’s gleeful, hilarious, and upbeat. And yet this song hits on a very specific type of self-consciousness. A gleeful, joking, inward sort of self hatred that manifests at your lowest point. It’s the act of laughing at how terrible you feel you are.

This song is the epitome of that feeling. In the depth of her self-loathing, Rebecca imagines the ghosts of her mistakes and is unable to mistake their gleeful “tap-dancing” all over her house.

That’s the deep reason why I enjoy this song. The simple reason, though, is because of Greg and Josh. While they’re not actually *there* in the context of the show, it’s still a joy to see them sing together because they never do in the actual show. Watching them sing and dance together is a rare treat and one I sincerely enjoy. Even if the humor is crude.

8. West Covina (Josh Reprise)

The original “West Covina” was the first song in the entire show, and it’s a delight, but I really, really love this reprise of it. It’s a turning point for both Josh and Rebecca. Before, Rebecca’s obsessive admiration for Josh seems one-sided and unlikely to ever be reciprocated. Yet, after her moment of coming clean to Josh and his friends, he is the only one to remain behind and relate to her longing for a place that is sunshiney and happy.

And, knowing West Covina, knowing Rebecca, the audience knows that both of their points of view are… well, they’re slightly over-optimistic. And yet it is this beautiful, hopeful reprise that makes the audience see their point of view. In a world that so often normalizes cynicism, it’s rare to see two spots of bright hope.

Are Josh and Rebecca in the right? Well, not entirely, and the show doesn’t try and depict them as such. Yet, their opinions, misguided or no, are shown in this song. Rebecca’s blind love of Josh and Josh’s blind love of West Covina… both are perhaps misguided, and yet they’re sincere.

7. I Give Good Parent

Warning: Explicit language, sexual content.

I’ve heard this song a million times at this point and I still couldn’t possibly explain to you what the title means… and yet this song is delightful. The music video is hilarious and such a well-done parody (as I… keep saying). The rap is hilarious and clever, and the chorus is so honestly and legitimately catchy that it gets stuck in my head.

Huge major shoutouts to Josh’s mom, who is just a riot in this song. Lourdes Chan is a lowkey fantastic character. There are so many visual and auditory gags in this video that I can’t even begin to praise them all. And honestly, I would love to, but it’s really better to just watch the video. Get the song stuck in your head. Join me.

6. I’m Just a Girl in Love (Season 2 Opening)

So listen up. Here’s my hot take. The season one intro is great. It’s charming. But it can’t even hold a candle to the season two intro. The season one intro certainly sums up the premise of the show well, in a very straightforward, no-frills kind of way. This intro takes it to a whole new level.

It represents so many core themes of the show. On a surface level, love in popular culture, and how it’s so often used as a handy excuse for so many unhealthy behaviors. And then there’s mental health, the key word being “crazy,” and the all-too-common view that mental health issues are quirky or cutesy. And then, of course, there’s the delusions of Rebecca herself. Her own rationalizations of her behavior.

It’s multi-layered and represents the show perfectly. Plus, the video and song itself are fun and never get stale or tiring. Simple, effective, meaningful. That’s what you need for a perfect intro. And this intro is perfect.

*BLAM!*

5. You Stupid Bitch

Warning: I’m unsure whether or not this constitutes as spoilers so… better safe than sorry? Also, NSFW language, obviously. Look at the title.

It’s not often that you find a song that feels like the songwriter dove into your thoughts and plucked out a piece of your inner dialogue, so when you do, you gotta talk about it. Or, at least, I do.

And no, I don’t say that to illicit sympathy. I don’t think I’m alone in relating to this song. I think it’s a fairly common thing for one negative thing to set of a spiral of unrelated negative thoughts in people. And yet I’ve never seen this phenomenon represented so brutally and honestly in a TV show or… anywhere, really.

Rebecca is an incredibly real character. I think this song is one of the best examples of this. It’s in the little things – the song itself, of course, but also the way she wears the slim-fit dress even without the tiny waist that usually is seen as a requirement to wear that kind of dress. Or in her little interjections, the “Sing with me!”, the “Yes! I deserve this!”. I’ve met Rebecca. I am Rebecca. I know so many Rebeccas. I think we’re all a little bit Rebecca.

And that’s the beauty of this show. It takes a character who is so very flawed in so many dramatic ways like Rebecca Bunch and makes you see yourself, your own flaws, within her.

Phew, deep, right?

4. Santa Ana Winds

Warning: Big, big spoilers in the second clip onward. 

Best character in “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” is undoubtedly Santa Ana Winds.

Okay, I’m mostly kidding. Mostly. But the Santa Ana Winds episode is such a unique framing for an episode, and it only makes it more perfect that it’s “narrated” by the very winds that incite all the incidents in the episode.

Santa Ana Winds guy is so charming though. I love his dancing, his outfit, his weird little gait as he walks down the street, the way he plays the “prankster (tee hee hee hee)” role so well. It’s all so charming. Plus, the song is just… it’s so good. I feel bad not being able to say more about this song but… ugh. It’s just so good. It’s just so, so good. Words fail, and the wind speaks… and also makes things weird.

3. Friendtopia

You know… I think I praised this show before because I felt like all of the songs had really deep and important roles in the show and there’s no filler songs. But… this one kind of is a little bit. But you know what? I don’t care.

I love this show for how it depicts a range of female friendships between diverse and well-rounded women. I wish that wasn’t such a precious rarity, but it is, and so I must celebrate it where it exists. This song, I think, exemplifies the positive attitude this show takes toward female friendships, and that’s why I love it so much.

Plus, I mean, god, that Spice Girls reference. It’s so funny. So good. The clipped British accents, the prancing around in front of the camera, everything. And while I don’t really understand the “dystopia” reference in the context of the episode, I really enjoy it. It gives rise to such glorious lines as “We’re gonna braid each other’s hair, then cut each other’s braids, connect the braids to make a rope to HANG ALL OF CONGRESS” and “Squad Goals: Take control of the banks.” What could be better?

Also there was that one time White Josh stood in for Heather in a live performance of this song and it was beautiful.

2. Oh My God I Think I Like You

Warning: This song is about sex, and therefore is basically entirely sexual references. Also, spoilers.

I feel like I don’t have to make much of a case for why this song is so good. Are a lot of the scenes in this music video kind of ridiculous and humorous? Oh, totally. Completely. But watch it and tell me you aren’t moved. Go on, do it, I dare you. Bet you can’t.

This song is just so completely earnest and sweet. I feel like the two weeks of sex these two have in the show would be a really easy window for crude humor, and yeah there is plenty of that in this song, and yet it’s also sweet. This show makes a two-week sex marathon seem earnest and sweet just by framing it in a unique manner, showing Rebecca’s thought process throughout.

And it’s just brilliant. It’s incredible. It’s taking something that would be an easy road to a few sex jokes and turning it into a characterizing moment for Rebecca, a real turning point for her. Where once she was single-mindedly devoted to Josh, it’s a revelation that she might have feelings for someone else, and the show expects the audience to be right along with her in her amazement over this development. It really shows how the show prides the emotional connection between the characters and the audience, and I appreciate that.

Also, the song is just good. It’s radio-quality. A great pop song. 10/10.

1. Settle for Me

So, when I started writing this list, I had a really hard time picking the order of the songs. It was a painful process full of doubt and second-guessing, because so many of these songs are incredible and all deserve a number one spot on somebody’s list.

And yet, I knew in my heart from the very start which song would take my number one spot. This song comes super early in season one… episode four, I think. And yet, it’s remained with me for the entire show. It’s just a showstopper.

It hits all the checkpoints for me. Characterizing? Yup. For Greg, of course, it’s a thesis statement of his relationship not only to Rebecca but to his entire world. Of course Greg would approach his relationship with Rebecca with the same sort of cynical realism with which he proceeds to approach everything in the rest of the show. But for Rebecca, it shows her difficulty in seeing reason, the way she clutches tight to fantasy.

Technically well-done? Of course. The video is delightful. The choreography is wonderful, without even taking into account the beautiful, sweeping music. Lyrics? Perfect. Humorous and yet also bitingly tragic at times. Just the way I like ’em. Aesthetic? Spot-on. That black-and-white, those outfits, god, it’s all so perfect. Hint of social commentary? Oh yes, definitely. Greg’s masculinity is kind of one of his biggest issues, and this song makes that blatantly obvious.

It’s dark and funny and beautiful and you probably knew it was going to take my number one spot from the cover picture and title of this post alone, but I don’t care. I love this song. I’ll scream it to the heavens, repeat it as often as you’d like. It’s a triumph. Just like this entire show is a triumph.

Anyway, tl;dr, watch “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.” It’s good and you won’t regret it. Season three comes out soon. Do it.

 

 

The End

We’re 26 weeks into the year. Doing my math correctly, this is the perfect mid-point of the year, weeks-wise. I’m halfway through my promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I would write one blog post per week.

So let’s take stock. Where are we? How has Absoludicrous grown since I made my pledge on January 1st of this year? What have I done? What have I accomplished?

Well, I can say that this blog has gotten a lot more views than I expected. I started this not really thinking anyone would read it besides people I know in real life. While that still remains the majority of the views, I do get a constant trickle of views from people all around the world. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t know me in real life – thank you so much. You exceed my expectations just by giving this blog a glance.

Not to say my known viewers aren’t appreciated – of course you are – you’re just more or less expected. I know a lot of really kind people who, against the odds, support me in so many ways and your support is something I count on.

Don’t be alarmed by the title of this blog post. This isn’t the end, far from it if I can help it. But it is something I wanted to talk about. I want to talk about the end. Specifically, the end of creative projects.

This blog is a creative project. I am not doing it for a grade or monetary gain. I do it because it gives me a weekly creative outlet. And you know what? On my end, it’s been a smashing success. It’s kept me writing more consistently than anything I’ve ever done, and ya’ll seem to enjoy it so there’s no losses anywhere.

It’s this blog, however, that caused me to make a real connection to a video I watched recently made by one of my favorite Youtubers ever, Dan O. of Folding Ideas.

It’s kind of a long video (but really good), so I’ll summarize. In it, Dan is asked on his stream how best to find motivation for finishing creative projects. Dan speaks frankly on a number of topics regarding motivation and creativity but ultimately comes to one overarching conclusion – finish your work.

I know it sounds useless answering the question of “How do I finish my work?” with “Finish your work,” but honestly, it’s astoundingly good advise. Creative work is unique in the fact that it is never really done. There is always a way to improve. There’s always a few more tweaks to be done, a few more edits, and some chopping and skewing to make it just perfect.

And that’s noble, in a way. The idea that something is never quite done, and so the artist must work tirelessly forever and ever to perfect it, hoping for that one day that it’s flawless and beautiful and everyone who sees it or hears it is brought to their knees.

The reality, though, is that if you were to work on something until it is perfect, until it is done, you will never finish. As I said, there’s always something, some improvement. And so Dan advises self-imposed deadlines. He speaks about giving himself a week to finish a project and then letting it go at the end of that week, regardless of where it is in its production.

And watching this video, I found myself really resonating with this message. I’m a perfectionist. I hate when anything I do is less than great. I want all my writings to be showstoppers, to be hits, and in the past that’s bit me in the butt. When I was younger I was a serial project-starter, but I almost never finished anything. I would start something, bright and motivated, but by the end of the arduous process of trying to make it perfect, I would lose interest, or, alternatively, I would just keep it on a backburner, for a rainy day. Locked in creative purgatory, forever and ever.

There were only a handful of projects I actually finished and all of them were finished because of deadlines. NaNoWriMo was the big one. The self-imposed deadline of 50,000 words by the end of the month was the first thing that ever spurred me to finish anything. And beyond that… is this blog.

This blog is a series of self-imposed deadlines. If I fail to post something every single Sunday, nothing really happens. I don’t lose out on a prize or reward, I’m not physically punished. The world continues to turn. Yet, these deadlines still exist… emotionally. Mentally. Every week I post something new, or else I let myself and anyone who wanted to read that post down.

And even more helpful, the deadlines give me a reason to stop working. To declare something finished. I can’t tell you the number of weeks that I despised the post that finally came out on Sunday. 99% of the time, the post that’s in my head is a million times better than the post that eventually gets written, and yet my deadline forces me to stop tweaking in search of that perfect ideal and post it anyway.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because instead of me working and working and working to perfect one post that may or may not ever come out, I now have over 26 posts – some of which I’m really proud of – that are here for everyone to see. 26 posts in the hand are better than a million in the… bush, I guess?

And how do I find the motivation? I don’t, I guess. As sad as that sounds, the motivation is the deadline looming at the end of the week. As much as I wish I could be fueled only by pure-hearted love of writing and chutzpah, it’s the deadline that gets things done for me. It’s the deadline that has caused this blog to exist and keep running week after week. It’s how I keep the motor running.

These 26 weeks have been a blast. I’m not even close to being done yet, so stick around for 26 more and beyond.

Shadowverse and The Benefit of Losing

Recently, I was introduced and goaded into playing a mobile game called Shadowverse by a close friend of mine. I had heard about it for weeks – a fantasy-themed card game of sorts, where the player builds decks of cards in order to defeat other’s decks of cards in a sort of card battle.

Despite my friend’s enthusiasm over the game, it never seemed like the sort of thing I’d enjoy. I’ve never really been a big fan of card games of Shadowverse’s ilk for one main reason – I hate losing. It’s not really a pride thing… well, okay, it is. What I mean is, it’s not that I want to prove myself as the best in everything, it’s that I can’t stand being bad at anything. I’m usually okay with being average or passable at something, it’s just that the problem with games like Shadowverse is that there’s often a huge learning curve.

Starting out in a game without knowing anything often means you have to play against people who do know what they’re doing in order to learn, and I hate doing that. Maybe it’s being a “gifted and talented” kid my whole life, but I have a major vendetta against seeming ignorant in any situation, even little games. It’s the reason why I usually dislike learning new card or board games with people who play them a lot – it makes me feel stupid.

So I entered Shadowverse with a lot of hesitance. For a long while, I refused to play online against other people. I made lots of jokes to my friend about how terrible I was at the game with the purpose of making it known to everyone that at the very least I was not ignorant of my ineptitude. And let me tell you, this method of playing the game was not at all successful. The little missions in the game more or less required you to play against other people if you wanted any sort of rewards.

So what did I do? Well… I hesitantly dipped my toe into the pool of competition. I played some online matches, lost a ton, and then drew back into my single-player safety for a while. Eventually, little by little, I managed to convince myself that it was okay to lose. It also helped that I had the support of my friend. (At one point, he even literally built a deck for me – and his strategy of making one became the skeleton for all of the decks I made moving forward.)

And you know what? Eventually, I became halfway decent at the game. I lost a lot. A lot. There was a solid three or four days where I did nothing but lose. But eventually I made my way over the metaphorical hump into mediocrity and the game, honestly, became fun. And you know what? A lot of times, it was the losses that led to the most delightful moments of brilliance. Getting pummeled into the ground by someone else’s deck always gave me tips for improving my own deck.

But anyway, I say all this not just to talk about a niche mobile game I’ve eventually become halfway decent at, nor to encourage anyone to play it (though, like, it’s actually really well-made with lovely art and really surprisingly impressive voice acting, so, if you’re into that, do check it out.) What I mean to say is, losing is often a good thing.

That’s not to say it’s an easy thing, because it’s obviously not. It can be annoying to devastatingly heartbreaking. But I’ve come to find, this year especially, that losing can also bring out the best in ourselves.

This year has been a year of new for me. I graduated high school, got my driver’s license, and got my first actual job. College is hanging over my head like an anvil, and I’m doing my best to prepare for it to fall. Even in my personal life I’ve had to adapt to changes. I’m not the same person I was January first of this year and I think, ultimately, despite the successes, a lot of the positive change has been found in accepting the things in my life that aren’t so nice.

The end of high school was a death slog. Driving still gives me anxiety. My job combines my anxiety over driving with my anxiety over being bad at new things. College is going to uproot all of the relationships I’ve so carefully built over the years, and I’m scared of having to regrow them. It has been a year of loss. I have lost the person and the life I used to have.

Okay, dramatic, I know, but in a way it’s true. And yet… you know what? I’m doing okay. I’ve adapted to the new freedom and the new responsibility and I bet I’ll adapt to college too. And if my prior losses have taught me anything, I’ll come out the other end better for it. And that doesn’t mean it won’t be scary or bad.

If Shadowverse taught me anything, you have to deal with the losses before you can start winning.

A Story in Song

While talking to my friend Marie, she mentioned listening to a classic song with her mom and dancing around. She highly recommended this song, (“Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress” by the Hollies) to me, and because I’m not one to turn down a song recommendation, I looked up the song on Youtube.

Marie’s taste in music is a little different than mine. I would say in general she’s more appreciative of the “classics” than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it whenever she throws an older gem my way, and this time was no different. However, I made the terrible awful mistake of scrolling down into the comments, where I found this gem.

YoutubeComment

And, unsurprisingly, I was peeved. My problems with people like this is one of the biggest reasons I’m not more into classic music. I’m no stranger to music elitists. One might call me one, to be honest. But as far as I’m concerned this commentor has never even heard a modern song before.

See, I’m a huge fan of music that tells stories. And, as a caveat, I should say, most songs tell a story. Even your cookie cutter radio hits tend to follow some sort of plot. I mean, just cherry picking from the current Billboard Top 100, the so-called scourge of music according to classics fans like this person, “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars tells a distinct story of the narrator wanting to shower their lover in luxury goods and experiences, “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran recounts the singer’s physical attraction to their lover and tells the story of their first date as well as several sexual encounters… I mean, even the most vapid 2008 pop has some kind of story. Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” is a clear story about the singer’s lifetime devotion to partying! To say modern songs don’t tell stories is ridiculous because all songs have to have some sort of story, or else they’re just incomprehensible gibberish.

But, okay, I’ll bite. Maybe what this commentor means is that no modern music tells such a romantic story as the one in “Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress”. And not romantic in the love, coupley, sense, but more along the lines of a novel put to song. And even then, this commentor is wrong, as I will prove today.

I’ve mentioned a few times that I really love lyrics. They’re probably my favorite aspect of music. Whenever I get into a song, I like to delve into the lyrics and discover their meanings and the story behind them. So, why not talk about some of my favorite musical stories? So, here we go, five songs that tell fascinating stories… true or not.

In Another Life – Vienna Teng

I’ve touched briefly on this song before in my Women in Music post, but I didn’t get to focus specifically on what it is that makes this song magical. Vienna Teng uses her usual theatrical style to tell the tale of two lovers over the course of many different lives. The song traces these two lovers through various points of history and through various occupations. I think the story is told just beautifully, with some really poignant images, and even though the song never directly states that the two subjects of the song are in love, it is clearly conveyed through the tiny details in the way they interact.

I love the tone of this song. It’s really disconnected, very objective. You get the feeling that although the singer of the song identifies themselves as living all of these very tragic lives, they are happy and distant enough from the tragedy to describe it objectively. Even when this song gets morbid, the narrator remains disconnected and simply describes the scenes.

And the subject matter of this song gets… well, really morbid. I mean, we go from mine shafts caving in to Tiananmen Square to stillborn children yet the same up-tempo style continues, which really drives home the bittersweet message of the song. Even through the death and suffering these two lovers experienced over the course of their many lives together, the song is ultimately a positive one. Ultimately, the lovers end up happy and together in modern times.

The Mariner’s Revenge Song – The Decemberists

The Decemberists is no stranger to fantastical stories told through song (part of the reason I keep meaning to familiarize myself with more of the music). I also considered discussing their equally fantastic song “O Valencia”, but I decided this one fit the song storytelling category in a more straightforward way.

This song is a shanty fit for a pirate ship, and that makes sense considering the subject matter. The story is told at the end first, with the narrator stuck in the belly of a whale. From there they go into the tale of how they arrived there. What follows is a tragic tale of revenge after the singer’s mother is cheated by a rakish young man and left to die penniless and heartbroken. The singer follows this man all the way to sea, where the two are ultimately swallowed by a whale, bringing the song back full circle.

I think this song is an absolutely beautifully told story. The instrumentals always match the emotion of the story. Plus, I think the story itself is loaded with some great dramatic irony. I mean, the fact that the singer’s quest for revenge leads him to dying himself alongside the man he swears revenge on, in the belly of a whale, a tried-and-true symbol for hopeless and self-destructive quests. (Think Moby Dick). Plus, the repetition of the mother’s voice, and her sweet, singsong tone contradicting the violence she wishes upon the man who did her wrong… it’s all so great. I always get chills at the end.

Jenny Was a Friend of Mine – The Killers

This song is actually one of a three-part series of songs, all of which describe a man murdering his lover. Yep, some real happy stuff, I know, but trust me, this song is really fascinating. While the other two songs tell the story leading up to and during the murder, this song recounts the questioning of the murderer afterward. It’s a fascinating look into the mind of a murderer, and the way he justifies his actions and proclaims his innocence.

Paired with the police sirens at the beginning of the song and the tense, dark instrumentals, the repeated admission of the man that his lover Jenny was a friend of his becomes sinister and chilling, and that’s the mark of a really well-told story. This song always gets me singing along and then feeling bad about it because the lyrics are just that twisted.

Unfinished Business – White Lies (Mumford and Sons Cover)

I always feel bad recommending the Mumford and Sons version of this song because it’s not the original, but to be honest, the jangly banjos just fit this song so perfectly that I have a hard time with the original. The title is a play off of the idea that ghosts remain on earth because of unfinished business – in this case, the narrator is the confused ghost of someone who has just been murdered by their lover (… yeah there’s a bit of a pattern here, I know).

The interesting thing about this song, though, is the narrator is completely unfazed by their own demise. Instead, they seem more concerned about their lover, noting their fearful oaths to God and urging them in the chorus to “get off their low” so they can “dance like they used to”. This song is tragic and also somewhat beautiful – the murdered lover vows to wait for the one they love in the afterlife.

The reason I recommend the Mumford and Sons version over the White Lies version is I think the upbeat instrumentals match the ultimately positive tone of the song better. Sure, the situation described is dark, but the real interest of the song is the singer’s positive attitude over their own demise, so I think the jangly banjos fit this perfectly. But hey, to each their own.

Cleopatra – The Lumineers

And finally we arrive at one of my favorite songs of all time. This song took my number one spot in my top 30 songs of 2016 list, and that’s hugely because of the beautiful and tragic story told within its lyrics. Based on the real life of a taxi driver the lead singer met, “Cleopatra” is the story of a woman who refuses to marry the love of her life and how she lives with the regret. It’s told as if the woman is telling the story herself, and hits that perfect combination of tragedy and hope as the woman struggles to live her life to the fullest despite her sadness over the loss of her lover.

The song is warm and nostalgic, and I’ve yet to find a single person who isn’t touched by the real-life story behind the lyrics. I have a hard time describing it here, so I’ll just advise you to give it a listen and read through the lyrics yourself.

But this isn’t even the half of all of the songs out there that tell poignant stories within their lyrics. I advise people like that youtube commenter to give more songs a chance – to really read into their lyrics. You’ll find some fantastic stories there.

 

The New Idols on the Block

I like to think I have a fairly refined taste in all things media. The truth is, though, we all have things we love even as we also acknowledge they can be, at times, silly and maybe even a bit problematic. Such is my love affair with rhythm games Love Live and BanG Dream.

I’ve been a fan of Love Live since my sophomore year. It’s a bit of an institution in my life and the lives of many others, I think. It was my introduction to the world of addictive rhythm mobile games, and it remains an important part of my life to this day. I’ve watched the anime all the way through and cried several times throughout. I’ve logged hours and hours into the mobile game.

(For those wondering, best girl from μ’s is Nozomi and from Aqours is Yohane. Best subunits are Lily White and Guilty Kiss respectively, obviously. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, don’t worry about it.)

BanG Dream is more of a recent favorite. It was introduced to me by a good friend of mine, and I had to jump through a few hoops to download it from the Japanese app store. Since then, though, I’ve been hooked with this game. It’s relatively new, and currently only has a Japanese version. (I had to enlist the help of my friend and a few guides to figure out what all the buttons do because… well, I don’t read Japanese.)

(And, once again, for those wondering, best girls are Misaki, Kanon, and Kokoro, and obviously best band is Hello Happy World)

And sure, it’s comparable to Love Live, but there’s something about it that has distracted me from returning to Love Live for a while now.

Because both BanG Dream and Love Live are made under the same parent company, Bushiroad, they get compared a lot. These comparisons aren’t always completely fair – true, they’re similar games, but they’re made by different teams and they have a lot of key differences. Actually, I think there’s a lot Love Live can learn from BanG Dream, and that’s what I want to talk about today.

First off, let’s get a little more in depth about what each game is.

Love Live is a rhythm and card-collecting mobile game. It involves “scouting” for cards of the eighteen main idols and a large collection of side characters. These cards are of different rarities and can be leveled up, strengthened, and put on teams to play “lives”, or songs where the player has to tap along with the rhythm of the music. Each card can be used to unlock small stories about the girl. These stories usually involve the girl just talking, although there are overarching stories about the eighteen main idol girls that are unlocked as the player levels up. These follow a loose story similar to the anime (I’ll go into the story a bit later).

BanG Dream is similar in that it employs the card-collecting rhythm game format and uses a combination of small single-character stories and larger overarching unlockable stories. Like Love Live, BanG Dream also features options to strengthen your cards and put them on teams. However, unlike Love Live, BanG Dream also features a relatively large world that is inhabited by the characters. Players can explore this little world and watch the girls talk or buy songs and powerups. In addition, BanG Dream features a multiplayer option that allows players to play alongside each other in order to increase their points and rewards. Finally, the biggest and most important difference between the two games is in their events.

Both Love Live and BanG Dream have events – these events coincide with the release of new cards, and participating in these events allows players the chance to earn these cards instead of hoping to randomly draw them in a gachapon. Love Live actually has several types of events, some allowing players to compete against each other directly, some making them play long strings of songs for points, and some simply adding on a chance to earn event points alongside their normal rewards for playing songs. BanG Dream has only one type of event, and it’s the most similar to the last event I mentioned in Love Live. However, and this is important, BanG Dream’s events are pivotal to the game.

Yes, events are fun and change things up in Love Live, but the reality is that they’re not always very worth participating in. The event card that is available is of the third-highest rarity in the game, and most seasoned players, unless they particularly like the look of the card, will probably have cards that are more powerful than the event one. In addition, Love Live events are notoriously brutal. A lot of success in events depends on playing near constantly in order to fully maximize the time given. If you look at guides on how to succeed in Love Live events, you’ll find instructions like “set an alarm to wake you up every few hours in the night so you can make sure you’re playing as much as possible!” And that’s… that’s ridiculous. I’ve never found the motivation to devote myself so fully to an event, and as such I’ve never been very successful in them.

In addition, events are just sorta… extra. The event cards are separate from the cards released into the gachapon “scouting box”, so a player who is looking only to get specific cards from that box might find more success avoiding the event entirely to focus on working towards increasing their chances to draw their desired card.

And that’s all fine and good, but it means that gameplay in Love Live can get really stale really fast. There is basically one good way to get love gems (the most valuable currency and the one used for scouting), and that is to build three of the strongest teams possible and to play lots of songs all by yourself. That can be fun for a while, but the game never challenges the player to change everything up. In fact, consistency is rewarded in this game. The players that continuously play in the most efficient, constant possible manner are the ones who tend to earn the most love gems… or least that’s what I’ve seen in my experience.

On the other hand, BanG Dream’s events are pivotal to the gameplay. All cards that are released into the gachapon are released in conjunction with an event. In addition, each event has specific girls and specific traits of each card that give multipliers to the amount of event points you earn. This means your best team for one event will most likely be wildly different than your best team for the next event. So, the most successful, efficient player has to change up their play style every so often.

In addition, and this is important to stress, multiplayer is always an option in BanG Dream. In Love Live, multiplayer modes are restricted to one type of event that rolls around every so often. In BanG Dream, it is always a good idea to play with other players… and maybe it’s silly, but that adds even more to the constantly changing feel of the gameplay. When you have to constantly collaborate with others to be the most successful, it keeps things fresh and interesting.

Don’t get me wrong, Love Live is a great game and has a lot of things going for it. For one, it has a lot more years under its belt. There’s way more cards available. Plus, as an English speaker, it’s far more accessible. And I’m not really talking about the animes, but the Love Live anime is like… way better than the BanG Dream anime. Like waaay better. Although, interestingly, I find the overall plot of BanG Dream to be a bit more fascinating and complex than Love Live’s plot. (That might sound kind of weird, but… like, stick with me here.)

The Love Live anime is a simple story but it’s enjoyable because of the lovable characters, the music, and the fun and mostly high-quality package. The BanG Dream anime, on the other hand, is the same simple story but in a far worse package… or at least, that’s how the anime is. In the game, each of the five bands get their own unique story, and these stories can get surprisingly dark and complex. I enjoy it.

But I’m getting off track. Love Live is a great game, but I think it has a lot to learn from the likes of BanG Dream. Sure, the formula has worked for Love Live, but I think it could benefit greatly from the ways BanG Dream diversifies the gameplay experience. Love Live should add a constant multiplayer mode, or perhaps make use of the same sort of “certain characters and certain attributes give bonuses in the events” system that BanG Dream has. This could encourage changing up play style and would keep the game from getting stale, as it often does.

And maybe, just maybe, Love Live could wrench me back away from BanG Dream’s addictive clutches.

(Oh, who am I kidding, I’ll go back to Love Live again someday. I can never fully escape idol hell.)

Who Knows, Really?

I begin typing this post after finishing my one and only final (Web Design, the one final I couldn’t skip… yeah, I’m salty about it too). It’s quiet right now, and all I can hear are the sounds of people typing the final essay question. This class was first period on blue days – a dull slog of a class, saved only by the fact that the subject matter is interesting and allows me to stretch my creative muscles.

Currently, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be doing anything that doesn’t directly connect to the final. If my teacher notices me typing on WordPress, I will explain that I have already submitted my final so there’s no way I’m cheating, but who knows? I still have a little less than an hour to go in this finals period, and I would rather be working on this blog post than sitting here staring at an empty screen. For today, I’ll ask forgiveness rather than permission.

After this, I’ll walk outside in the spitting rain to the library parking lot, where the red Mustang convertible my grandma gifted me before moving to Vegas is parked. I didn’t do the best parking job, so I’m somewhat concerned it’ll be difficult to pull out again. It’s hard not to worry about this fact, as driving tends to stir up my anxiety something fierce. It’ll probably be fine, as it’s been a while since I royally screwed up pulling out of a parking spot, but then again, who knows?

These are the thoughts travelling through my mind during my last period of high school, ever. After today, I won’t be returning to this school in the same way again. I’ve already cleaned out my locker. Last night, I sent emails to all of my favorite teachers thanking them. In my closet, there’s a plastic bag with a cap and a gold stole. Hanging in the doorway of the guest room is my gown – Carmel blue, the same color mom wanted her car to be so she could decorate it for marching competitions.

This is it. After this, there’s nothing else. There’s graduation, I guess, and senior night, but neither of those things capture the daily feeling of being a student at Carmel High School.

I can pass by the newspaper room one more time, maybe even step inside, but it won’t carry the same low, constant level of stress. I won’t ever again sit at those frustratingly complicated apple computers and work on a spread design. Never again will I comment on how stuffy it gets when you pack a newspaper room full of stressed editors as the time ticks ever closer to their deadline.

I’ll probably walk over to the band hall before I leave one last time. It’s a little out of my way, but it seems only right for the hallway outside the band room, the one I’ve made my second home. I’ve spent hours there, sitting against the wall. We’ve accidentally spilled tea on that floor so many times. We’ve eaten meals, shared jokes, slept, colored, studied, listened to music, read… lived there. I’m not concerned that after my class leaves this hallway will be bare. I imagine there will be band kids making that hall their living room for years to come, possibly until the end of time, who knows? But I won’t be one of those band kids anymore.

Of course, the real hub of it all is the band room. It’s probably mostly empty now – the calm before the storm. In a week or so, it’ll be filled again with hundreds of marching band members during their first week of band camp. I can’t say I’m sad that I won’t be taking part, but I doubt I’ll be feeling the same way once November rolls around, and I watch someone else take the field at Grand National Finals. Some of them will know how it feels to stand on that field while your name is called first place. Some of them will remember the tears, the hugs, the listless wandering around the field while the other bands cleared off. Some of them took part in that somewhat tragic encore at one in the morning, standing in arcs, trying to remember how the music they practiced for hours and hours went.

However, the number of these people is decreasing, and will continue to decrease in the years to come. Maybe it’ll happen again, the winning, the tears, the awards, but who knows? Regardless, it won’t be the same for them as it is for me, and ones who remember it like I do will eventually step off the field and onto the stands, just as I’ll do this year.

I leave Carmel High School forever changed. Mostly for the better, but honestly, who knows? I’ve met and gotten to know so many people who have molded me into the person I am. I’ve started writing poetry, and this blog. I’ve discovered things about myself I didn’t know before. It hasn’t been all good, don’t get me wrong. There have been heartbreaks and frustrations and stress and stress and stress and stress… but the result has been overall positive. I’m more open, more adventurous, more sure of myself than I used to be.

Without this school, this blog probably wouldn’t exist. (But, say it with me, who knows?) I do know it required a lot more confidence and self-understanding than I had the summer before my freshman year. And knowing all that, it’s strange to leave it all behind. I feel like an alien in the place that has been so central to my life for four years.

There’s about ten minutes left in this final period now. I hadn’t really expected to finish this all up in one go. It’s probably kind of meandering… I’ll definitely give it a second look before I publish it on Sunday. I’m thinking the header image should be one of the probably hundreds of graduation photos that will be taken Thursday evening. I’m hoping it’ll be me and my friends smiling and laughing, everything the same as it always is except for the blue robes, but who knows?

Who knows? I didn’t know going into this post I would finish. I didn’t know going into the library parking lot that I would find a spot, and I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to pull out of it without hitting anyone. My teacher hasn’t mentioned anything about me clearly not working on the final anymore, but who knows if she’s docking my grade as we speak?

Who knows where I’ll be in another four years? I certainly didn’t know, four years ago, that I’d be sitting in Web Design typing out a blog post, prepared to drive myself back home in an admittedly really sweet car on the last ever day of high school. So who knows, really?

I hope you’re all as interested as I am to find out.

 A Lyrical Analysis of “Sometime Around Midnight”

I went through several possible blog post ideas for this week, but the one I finally settled on came to me in a flash of inspiration after my AP Government test. (Okay, maybe not a flash of inspiration, more like a cascade of boredom. The essay questions did not take up the full 100 minutes allotted…) Anyway, this song was stuck in my head, and I came to ruminate on the lyrics, and how expertly written and deep they are… and well, here we are.

“Sometime Around Midnight” by Airborne Toxic Event is one of my favorite songs, and it has been for years. It’s so simple, so beautiful, and drags you into its emotion so effectively. This is due in part to its structure. The song has no chorus, and instead relies on verses that constantly build upon each other. The melody itself is pretty simple and repetitive, but the constant addition of new string instruments into the sound builds up the emotional intensity in tandem with the story told in the lyrics. I’m no expert in music, so that’s the best analysis I have in that particular area, but there is a lot to dissect in the lyrics, so that’s what I’m going to do today.

So let’s all put on our analysis caps and dive in!
“And it starts sometime around midnight
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself for a minute or two”

The beginning line of the song sets the scene. And yes, the scene is vague. A really important thing to remember about this song is that it’s incredibly general. You get the feeling that this song is not describing one particular person and situation, but rather hopes to draw the listener in by allowing them to substitute the vague descriptions with their own personal experiences.

For that reason, the exact time of the scene presented in this song is just “sometime around midnight.” It’s not an exact time or place, and that is continued in the second line with the vague subject of “you.” The song is presented as something that has happened to the listener personally, which may also explain why the descriptions are so vague, so as to apply to as many people as possible.

Finally, these first two lines introduce the idea of “losing oneself.” This is a motif that will come back several times throughout the song, but in this case it furthers the attempt of this song to put the listener in the shoes of the situation it describes. The time the song takes place relies on when the listener themselves imagine they most “lose themselves.”

“As you stand under the bar lights
And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while”

Once more, we come back to this idea of losing oneself. These lines makes the subject of the song seem disconnected from the setting. They’re not doing anything, just standing there, apparently alone. All of the emotion they’re experiencing is not their own – it’s being supplied by the band playing, and even in that case the band is suggesting forgetting your emotions and troubles.

“And the piano’s this melancholy soundcheck to her smile
And that white dress she’s wearing you haven’t seen her for a while”

And here we are introduced to the conflict of the song, the subject’s ex-lover. I love the juxtaposition of the melancholy music and the ex-lover’s smile. It serves to further this idea that the subject of the song is disconnected with what is happening, and plays with the idea of mixed emotions. The subject is happy to see her, but is also filled with a rush of sadness. It also serves to set up the difference between the subject and the ex-lover. While they ruminate on the sad music, she is smiling and apparently happily moved on from the relationship. 

Finally, the first image of the ex-lover cues the listener in on understanding that the story of this song is being presented in a stream-of-consciousness way. The speaker notices her white dress and then ruminates on the last time they saw her with no connection between these two ideas – we’re simply witnessing the thought process of someone who has just run into their ex-lover.

“But you know that she’s watching
She’s laughing, she’s turning, she’s holding her tonic like a crux”

That stream-of-consciousness perspective is important to remember when looking at these lines. The story is being presented in the unique, unfiltered perspective of the “you”, the subject, and as such the events presented are very biased. This explains the confusing way the ex-lover is portrayed here, simultaneously watching the subject of the song while also apparently enjoying her time at the bar in a carefree, happy way. The fact that it’s the subject that “knows” that she’s watching suggests some degree of projecting on the speaker’s part – they want to believe their ex has noticed them and is watching them, but it seems that the reality is she’s simply enjoying herself on a night out.

Once more, the inner thoughts of the subject and the objective reality of the situation is placed at odds.

“The room’s suddenly spinning, she walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume, you can see her lying naked in your arms”

And here the subject goes again, their inner thoughts conflicting with the reality of the situation. Nothing about the actions of the ex suggests any sort of intimacy in these lines – quite the contrary, in fact. She simply walks up to them and asks how they’re doing, an action which suggests distance between the two of them. She is no longer involved enough in the subject’s life to know how they’re doing.

And yet, and yet, the subject flashes back to memories of intimacy, of being incredibly close physically. It’s clear that this is no longer the reality of the situation, but the subject clearly cannot move on.

“And so there’s a change in your emotions
And all these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind”

Remember that emotional distance we established early on in the song? Of “losing oneself”? Yeah, here’s where that all comes crashing down. That is the “change in emotions” described. Where the subject of the song could once spend their time at the bar in blissful denial of all of their problems, here their ex is, making their problems tangible, real. And this conflict is feral, wild and uncontrollable.

“Of the curl of your bodies like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine”

The most important aspect of these two line is structure – not of the lines themselves, but rather the idea of structure within. The subject’s memories compare their intimate moments as two “perfect” circles – two exact, quantifiable shapes. Now, without their ex, the subject feels unstable. They have lost their structure, and in this exact moment it causes them to feel listless and lost. They’re shapeless where there once was form.

“Then she leaves with someone you don’t know
But she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts”

Once more, it’s important to remember that we’re seeing this scene through the eyes of an unreliable narrator, imposing their own bias. The fact that the ex is leaving with someone the subject doesn’t know establishes that she’s moved on enough from their relationship to already have friends (or possibly lovers) the subject doesn’t even know. This is obviously not a positive thing for the subject, who seems to impose a degree of vindictiveness on their ex. It’s very likely the ex paid no mind to the subject of the song as she left the bar, but to the ex the very act of leaving without them is an insult, and they present it as such.

“As she walks out the door, your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes
Oh and your friends say ‘What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost'”

Remember how I mentioned before that the subject of the song seems alone in the bar? Here we have the first mention of any other person with them. I think this is important – it establishes a certain degree of selfishness in the subject that they didn’t even think to note their friends before now. The subject is too consumed with their own internal emotions to note anyone in the bar other than themselves and their ex. I also think it’s interesting how this line and the line where the ex asks the subject how they are are both never answered. It continues to emphasize this point that the subject is all alone in their thoughts, never responding to anyone else but themselves.

Also, I love the double meaning of “ghost” here. While, yes, it’s a common idiom to say those who look pale or frightened appear to have “seen a ghost”, in this case it’s almost literal. The subject has seen a ghost. A ghost of their past, someone visible but untouchable. There and gone, like a specter. Excellent symbolism.

“Then you walk under the streetlights
And you’re too drunk to notice that everyone’s staring at you”

Finally, the strings have reached the highest point of the crescendo that is this entire song. There’s a definite disconnect between this line and the line before it. As I mentioned before, this song is very stream-of-consciousness, so I think the lack of connection between the subject being in the bar with their friends and them being outside of the bar following their ex suggests a lack of thought between these two events. It’s pretty heavily established that the subject is drunk, and very little rational judgment was used in the decision to leave the bar and go after the ex.

“You just don’t care what you look like, the world is falling around you”

There’s an almost fatalistic lack of care in this last line, as well as a continuation of that selfishness we’ve seen so many times throughout this song. No longer is there any rational thought driving the subject, all they can focus on is their own inner sadness. They see this event as so catastrophic that the whole world is crumbling, even though, to an onlooker, they would appear to just be a sad drunk.

(Yup, that’s that dichotomy between reality and the inner thoughts of the subject.)

“You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You know that she’ll break you in two”

These are the only repeated lines in the entire song, and they serve to further the point I was making earlier – that the subject is no longer employing any rational thought. The only motivation driving them at this point is their desire to see their ex again, and this is shown through the repetition of “You just have to see her.” What’s interesting, though, is the last line. It’s the final thought of the song, this contradictory statement. Considering that the lyrics of this song are the inner monologue of the subject, though, it makes sense. Even as their mind is consumed with the desire to follow their ex, there’s a tiny thought in the back of their mind that holds onto the reality that seeing the ex won’t actually do anything to heal the subject. In fact, it’ll hurt them more.

And with that, the song winds back down, returning to the simple instrumentation of the beginning. Whether or not the subject catches up with their ex is left up to listeners to decide on their own, but ultimately I feel it’s not important. We know from the last line that it won’t lead to anything but more heartbreak.

Anyway, thank you for indulging me in a bit of lyrical analysis. I hope to do this sort of thing again in the future… it’s my favorite part of listening to music.